FULL RECOVERY IS FULLY PARTICPATING IN LIFE
I lay two suitcases on my guest bed. I open them up and pause noticing the emptiness of each bag and anticipating me filling them. I am heading to my oldest nephew’ college graduation in California. I pack a sundress for the day’s celebration and a long fancy dress for the dinner party later that evening. I also pack bathing suits and coverups for the days by the pool. I pack multiple books to read on the plane ride. I pack a graduation gift and a large, floppy hat to cover my face from the sun on the sandy beaches.
I plop down on my sofa afterwards. I am excited to watch the last few episodes of Ozark on Netflix. I grab a water bottle and some pretzels for a snack and hunker down throwing a light flannel blanket over my legs. My dog, Maverick, jumps up and swirls into a sphere on my lap.
This is what full recovery from an eating disorder is for me. It is packing without falling apart due to the anxiety of indecision. It is being healthy to travel to see a major milestone in my nephew’s life. It is setting firm boundaries at my private practice so I can fully participate during my vacation. It is packing multiple hard copies that I now have the concentration to read for hours at a time.
In the middle of the first Ozark episode, I realize that I did not pack any workout clothes. I smile a large grin. A feeling of peace floats through my entire body. Full recovery led me to a healthy relationship with exercise. I no longer excessively exercise and have an addiction to exercise. Instead of packing my bags with a new workout outfit for each day, I press pause and throw in a pair of leggings and a workout sports bra and tank top. If I decide to move my body and take a walk on the beach or stretch or take a hike with my nephews I will be prepared, but my other clothes are there for experiences. To experience the silence, the time with family, the crash of the waves, the characters of a book, the pleasure of meals- and knowing that I will not step into a hotel gym because I am enough just the way I am.
